Varia: Their Comical Life
by IDespiseTragedy
Summary: Self-explanatory title; no romance involved.


Disclaimer: _Katekyo Hitman Reborn_ is Amano Akira's

Credit: many thanks to CanadianCookie who dutifully beta read this fic

Warning: gen crack fic

Timeline: present; Mammon/Viper is still alive, therefore Fran hasn't joined Varia

Author's Note: I'd be glad to accept correction for any mistake – be it spelling, punctuation, grammatical or misinformation. This fanfic uses British English, by the way.

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**Varia – Their Comical Life**

The Chiaramonte Famiglia started targeting the Varia around the same time Xanxus' eighteen-year-old cousin was selected as Miss Verona 2010. Today, the girl, Belinda, was to compete with other regional finalists for Miss Italia's eligibility. To guarantee her safety, Xanxus assigned Belphegor and Mammon to escort Belinda throughout the whole pageant contest ceremony.

_Both of our names can be shortened as 'Bel_,' thought Belphegor agitatedly, displeased by the fact that his name – a name fit for a prince, according to his standard − shared a common trait with some ordinary girl.

However, the name proved to be not the only similarity between them. They realized that the moment they met at the hallway outside Xanxus' office.

Belinda let out a high-pitched, almost shriek-like gasp: Belphegor's build was nearly congruous to hers, from the slenderness of his frame to the pale colour of his complexion. Save for some differences in facial features and the gender-related areas, they looked like identical twins. From the back, they were even completely indistinguishable.

When Xanxus handed Belphegor a wig, a swimsuit and an evening gown similar to Belinda's stage costume once they came in, it became apparent that it was by no coincidence for the prince to be chosen to protect the princess.

'Are you out of your mind?' she shrieked, 'These outfits will outline this boy's body contour!'

'Don't worry, that's what I'm here for,' Mammon asserted, fully understanding his role before his boss had verbalised it.

'And what will this baby do?' jeered Xanxus' cousin, 'Scandalise that I'm already a mother despite being eighteen or something?'

'Nothing of that sort,' answered Mammon in a flat tone, 'I'll create an illusion so that Belphegor's body will look like yours to everyone's eyes, except mine, that is.'

The girl crossed her arms in front of her chest. 'Prove it!'

'Do I look like someone who works for free?' answered the purple Arcobaleno.

Miss Verona retorted, 'You're just making an excuse not to prove something improbable.'

But before Varia's illusionist could answer back, Xanxus, much to their surprise, said, 'Just show her and get the hell out of my office!'

_I should have known_. To Xanxus, hearing such soprano-pitched voice while the owner was someone he mustn't screw must have been downright vexing. A hardly audible mutter filled the room, along with some mist. 'This will count as me working overtime.'

Within the next half a minute or so, Xanxus' cousin was speechless with her eyeballs bulging from their sockets at the sight of another Belinda in a high legged white swimsuit – selfsame to her own down to the last curvature.

Then she heard her voice coming out from the other Belinda's mouth. 'Ushishishishi … how's our illusionist's work, dumb girl?'

Belinda was still open-mouthed when Belphegor asked the question. To hide her embarrassment, she pouted. 'But still, what's the point of me going there if you're the one who'll be crowned? No, come to think of it, what will make you a winner? All the other girls will not only be pretty but also highly talented; I bet you can't even walk gracefully.'

The prince ignored Miss Verona's blabber, so she went on, 'Listen, you'd better win; ugh, I can't believe my cousin let an amateur to be my double!'

'Excuse me,' a knife flew past the girl's right sleeve, 'Who do you think I am?'

Belinda almost screamed, but Mammon, familiar with his partner's nature and worried in case the knife master was tempted to prolong the torture by the sound of her squalls, jumped to stifle Belinda at once.

'I can do whatever others can after lots of practice simply by looking once,' affirmed the blond Varia aloofly, 'Now demonstrate what I need to perform onstage and I'll show you that they don't call me a genius for nothing.'

Belinda was still shaking with fear, so Belphegor said again, 'You can wear the crown today in the ceremony for a few seconds then die or not wear it today but wear it for one full year starting tonight. It's your choice, really − not that I mind if you died.'

Fuming and gritting her teeth, Belinda demonstrated what she claimed to be 'an elegant walking style'. After that, the three of them left for the event hall.

On the corridor, they passed Squalo, who looked extremely pissed off.

The silver haired Varia squad captain had just come back from buying some cough syrup. His 'lovely' loud and clear voice croaked each time he spoke and his throat hurt like hell – these alone had been enough to ruin his day; unfortunately, that was not all. A Chinese man just jumped in the long queue and to add to Squalo's list of misfortunes that day, the infant in the arms of a woman who queued behind pulled his hair and its mother said to Squalo, 'I'm sorry, _signorina'_.

Traffic decided not to be compromising either: Squalo reached the Varia HQ three quarters of an hour later than usual. The moment he stepped out his car, two of the family Dobermans chased an unfortunate visitor his way. The man ran for dear life, splashing the mud onto Squalo's trousers as he passed him by. How lucky of him – had it not been for the sore throat and the swordsman's earlier bad day, the Varia captain would not have been too lethargic to show him what could have been worse than hell!

Thinking of taking a nap, Squalo went into his room. His room felt just as cold, if not colder than, outside. _Great, the radiator's not working!_

As the Varia captain put the cough medicine on the desk, he noticed another presence in his room. 'Holy shit! What are you doing in here?'

His speaking adversary did not answer, only moved closer.

'Boss?' A sense of alarm now filled Squalo's voice; Xanxus had his own odds and ends, but at least he had never seemed _diaphanous_ before today.

His employer still refused to emit any words; his facial expression remained unfazed.

'You don't mean … no you can't be!' Squalo rushed to grasp Xanxus, to touch him, to keep him from going away … only he couldn't. Xanxus' body was just as translucent as it seemed. Squalo's fingers went through the air which was ought to be occupied by Xanxus' body.

Withdrawing his hand, Squalo shuddered at his boss' intangibility. 'This cannot be…'

The phrase was repeated over and over from Squalo's shaking lips. He no longer cared that his voice sounded very hoarse and croaky; his sole concern was devoted to how the one he had always admired towering above all men turned to such incorporeal being.

'Who killed you?' The silver haired swordsman managed to utter a different sentence at last. His nostrils flared up, eyes blazing to suppress the emotion which did not befit a member of the Costa Nostra.

Second by second passed draggingly by. When no reply came, the proud captain could no longer contain the burning sensation in his eyes. The liquid fell continuously, one drop after another. 'Dammit, boss! I swear upon my sword, I will avenge your death, even if it takes my life to achieve it, so tell me WHO KILLED YOU!'

No word – be it consolation or mockery – emanated from Xanxus' unmoving mouth. The ghostly figure only stared and stared. And, the more Xanxus stood to his ground, the more frustrated Squalo became. He tried to shake the Varia boss' shoulders, but since there was no flesh to grab, the swordsman's futile clutch only squeezed the evading air. Down to his knees, the man cursed and punched the floor incessantly until both fists were bleeding.

Meanwhile, in the living room, two figures were facing a laptop recording the scene unfolding before them through a hidden camera smuggled onto the ceiling of Squalo's room, Lussuria smirked triumphantly. 'I told you Squalo would cry. Everyone has their feminine side. Now pay up.'

Gulping, Leviathan took out his wallet and handed Lussuria their agreed amount. Earlier, he had stubbornly claimed that the silver-haired man would behave like a proper Varia's second-in-command should be: keeping his stiff upper lip no matter how grave the grief that encumbered him. 'But still,' he added, 'Don't you think this is too much? Squalo will think it's the end of the world if boss really dies.'

'So you are proposing to tell him the truth, that we were betting whether or not he'd cry upon seeing that fake ghost?' challenged the sun-glassed man.

'Uh, that is…' Levi swallowed; convinced though he was of Lussuria's healing power, he certainly did not fancy falling under Squalo's raging blade.

Lussuria could guess what was in Levi's mind, 'It's best to let Squalo weep to his heart's content and when he falls asleep out of exhaustion, we'll put him to bed and tell him that he only dreamt about that ghost after he wakes up.'

Levi, who was overwhelmed by guilt, did not answer.

Lussuria took a manicure set from his pocket and began polishing his nails. 'But still, Giannini's invention is impressive; never before have I seen such realistic 3D hologram.'

Nevertheless, even after ten minutes, Squalo's wail showed no symptom of ever dying down. Contrarily, the Varia captain's voice was getting louder by the second; so loud that they could hear him calling Xanxus' name without the recording's aid. Drops of sweat were now accumulating on Lussuria and Levi's temples.

'We'd better apologise and explain our prank to him before he gathers everyone in the precinct.' Pale on the face, Lussuria rose from his seat.

Levi readily followed his teammate. However, before they reached the door, another figure swept into the room.

Xanxus – the real Xanxus – was on his way to the commotion source. His meal had been interrupted by Squalo's unbecoming ruckus and it had darkened his mood. He demanded grimly, 'What's the ruckus?'

'Well…' Levi began.

If there ever was any sound louder than Squalo's voice, it was the sound of crashing objects blasted by Xanxus' Flame of Wrath.

The following minute, the Varia boss burst Squalo's door open when the latter was still snivelling. 'SHUT UP!'

Squalo never figured out the reason for Xanxus had not added the word 'trash' in that sentence, nor did he figure out why the living room looked like it had exploded when he passed it later on that evening.

FINE


End file.
